Charlatan
I wanted to be held,
I wanted to be known,
I wanted to be safe,
I wanted you to know
I was there I wasn’t leaving I was by your side
I was barely breathing
I wanted you to see
your precious little girl
worthy of your hugs
worthy of your security
worthy of innocent love
I was there
I was crying
I was scared
Your innocent daughter lying there at night
eyes open wide
wanting to shrink, to hide, to be anywhere but there
wanting to see in your eyes true care
But it wasn’t there
What was there was a facade
Where was God?
What was there was death,
I held my breath
like those times in water’s depths when you would hold me down
my lungs burned in my chest
I feared I would drown
But when you released me and I gasped for air
you would pull me close, assure me you were there, assure me you loved me most,
What a joke
That wasn’t love
Love does not torment a little girl’s mind
Love does not fill a childhood with lies
Love does not enter a room in the night and take that of which a father has no right, no right
“Just ignore it, it isn’t true”
“Pretend it’s not happening, it’ll soon be through”
“It isn’t really him, he’d never do this, to his precious little daughter”
What is this?
It’s a man who is sick but does not seek proper help
Instead he has groomed me to never ever tell
Sometimes, I’m scared to be with him alone
Others, I’m convinced in ignoring it’ll go
A charlatan
A liar
A pedophile
My father
The man who masqueraded as a doting dad
But who consistently led me to believe I was bad
I had no idea how many lies I believed
I was clad in innocence
I could only see the fun in our play,
in our days on the lake,
in our pretend games of baseball,
I had to separate my mind from my body
If I didn’t I would break
there was no room in that little broken body to hold onto hate
So I didn’t
and I raised him -- my abuser -- to a level he shouldn't have been in
I told anyone who’d listen
that he, my sordid father, was a fucking perfect person
A performance of “Charlatan” as a spoken word poem
