Home of a Pedophile

I grew up in the home of a pedophile
With a man I trusted, a man I knew
I grew up in the home of a pedophile
The gift of my body was shamed, stolen, abused

I knew and I loved this man deeply
He was my father. He was my friend.
He was kind, goofy, artistic, an adventurer
He protected me, played with me, held my hand

I grew up in the home of a pedophile
And this is where it gets complicated, see?
I grew up in the home of a pedophile
And yet I idolized him and pushed for his legacy

“It was a horror,” they said, “for those children”
But not in the way one would think
No, he was good at what he did, no one knew
But he was dying from a brain tumor, he was diseased

I grew up in the home of a pedophile
But he was dying so do you know what I did?
I grew up in the home of a pedophile
And refused to leave his side or be away from him

My mother yelled, she was angry, she screamed
But not in the way one would think
Her anger was not directed at my abuser, no.
That anger was directed at my sister and me.

I grew up in the home of a pedophile
With a man I turned to for support
I grew up in the home of a pedophile
I can still feel his encompassing hugs, the safe rapport

In the house of a man who was dying
A man who through surgery lost his brain
There are exceptions given and oversights abound
When his daughter fears the strength of him

I grew up in the home of a pedophile
And yet I took it on that he needed my care
I grew up in the home of a pedophile
My dad, the adult, a protector touched me there

A part of me knew what he did was wrong
But the reality was too much for a little girl
I left my body when he approached me late at night
Instead of memories, darkness, emptiness, and demons swirl

I grew up in the home of a pedophile
The feeling of betrayal is too deep to comprehend or bear
I grew up in the home of a pedophile
I protected him and left the little girl without care

I felt different, I felt dirty, I felt murky grey through and through
All others I knew were pure white
I could feel the truth resounding deep within me
I did not belong in their lives

I grew up in the home of a pedophile
He made sure I knew I was too much to be around
I grew up in the home of a pedophile
I was emotional, dramatic, I made too much sound

He was a man with two faces, one of light one of dark
He made sure that the right one is what people knew
But in my room, in the night, his face matched with the sky
Looking into his eyes was like looking on the dead dark side of the moon

I grew up in the home of a pedophile
Faced with this reality that came with belief, I refused
I grew up in a home of a pedophile
My home was one dark and riddled with abuse